Interdependency versus codependency

The term “codependency” is thrown around casually in our society. But what does it actually mean to be codependent and why is it unhealthy?

There are endless definitions of codependency depending on where you look. The definition I find most helpful is this:

Codependency is when we feel responsible for someone else’s feelings, and our feelings are dependent on that other person’s feelings.

It’s helpful to view codependency as something that exists on a spectrum, with some people having full-blown codependency, and others only possessing slight tendencies. Regardless, codependency makes it hard to know where we stop and someone else starts, and it harms us to be so heavily affected by another person’s feelings. When we are codependent we lose sight of ourselves and focus on meeting the needs of others. Similarly, we lose trust in ourselves, and look to others to make decisions for us. All of which ultimately disempowers us.

While codependency can be unhealthy and to our emotional detriment, interdependency on the other hand, is a normal, healthy part of a relationship, specifically a romantic partnership. Interdependency differs from codependency in that with codependency, the relationship tends to be one-sided, with one person in the relationship losing their sense of identity. There is also usually a serious lack of internal and external boundaries in codependency. In interdependency, both partners have a solid sense of self and autonomy, and mutual respect and boundaries are present.

You can evaluate whether or not you have codependency traits by exploring the extent to which your moods are affected by your partner’s moods. Being impacted emotionally by our partner’s moods is normal to an extent, but if you’ve lost your sense of self, spend most of your time catering to or appeasing your partner, or have lost sight of what it means to meet your own needs, odds are you could be dealing with some codependency.

Take time to explore your own values system, i.e., what do you want and expect in relationships? What are you willing to tolerate? What boundaries do you have in place? Asking yourself these simple questions can help you gain (or regain) a sense of identify apart from your partner. A good therapist can also help you explore and address codependency issues on a deeper level.

~Kara