Interdependency versus codependency

The term “codependency” is thrown around casually in our society. But what does it actually mean to be codependent and why is it unhealthy?

There are endless definitions of codependency depending on where you look. The definition I find most helpful is this:

Codependency is when we feel responsible for someone else’s feelings, and our feelings are dependent on that other person’s feelings.

It’s helpful to view codependency as something that exists on a spectrum, with some people having full-blown codependency, and others only possessing slight tendencies. Regardless, codependency makes it hard to know where we stop and someone else starts, and it harms us to be so heavily affected by another person’s feelings. When we are codependent we lose sight of ourselves and focus on meeting the needs of others. Similarly, we lose trust in ourselves, and look to others to make decisions for us. All of which ultimately disempowers us.

While codependency can be unhealthy and to our emotional detriment, interdependency on the other hand, is a normal, healthy part of a relationship, specifically a romantic partnership. Interdependency differs from codependency in that with codependency, the relationship tends to be one-sided, with one person in the relationship losing their sense of identity. There is also usually a serious lack of internal and external boundaries in codependency. In interdependency, both partners have a solid sense of self and autonomy, and mutual respect and boundaries are present.

You can evaluate whether or not you have codependency traits by exploring the extent to which your moods are affected by your partner’s moods. Being impacted emotionally by our partner’s moods is normal to an extent, but if you’ve lost your sense of self, spend most of your time catering to or appeasing your partner, or have lost sight of what it means to meet your own needs, odds are you could be dealing with some codependency.

Take time to explore your own values system, i.e., what do you want and expect in relationships? What are you willing to tolerate? What boundaries do you have in place? Asking yourself these simple questions can help you gain (or regain) a sense of identify apart from your partner. A good therapist can also help you explore and address codependency issues on a deeper level.

~Kara

Dealing with Envy

Envy is a normal human emotion. Usually, we experience envy when we want something someone else has. Maybe you see your friend on social media buying a new luxury home, or car, or purse. Maybe a coworker’s child is excelling at a sport your child is playing. Maybe you overhear a stranger on the phone informing the person on the other line they just landed their dream job. Regardless of the source, envy can feel really crummy.

Here’s the thing… celebrating someone else’s accomplishments or successes doesn’t take away from your own. And using envy to your advantage can actually enhance your own motivation and drive to succeed.

So next time you feel envy- for any reason- remember two things can be true at the same time. You can celebrate the wins of others and simultaneously strive for your own success.

~Kara

Re-establishing Trust

Sometimes trust is broken in relationships. It happens. Maybe someone’s lost trust in you because of substance-use issues. Or perhaps you’ve lost trust in someone else because they betrayed you in some way. Regardless of who’s lost trust with who, the process of re-establishing trust in a relationship is the same. Trust in relationships is huge. Without trust we lack emotional safety. Repairing trust is a process but it can be done! The best formula for trust I’ve come across so far is this:

Trust = when a person’s actions align with their behavior over time.

That’s it. There’s no magic wand to fix trust, nor can you talk your way into being trusted again. If trust is something you’re struggling with in your relationship try putting this formula into place and use it as a framework for what you say and do. You’ll see in time trust can be repaired. It just takes consistency of words and actions over time.

~Kara

Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR)

Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is a treatment model gaining rapid momentum in the world of psychotherapy. The model was created by Francine Shapiro in 1987 and aims to address symptoms of PTSD resulting from trauma, as well as “adverse life events”- an event or experience that may not be viewed as traumatic per se, but was scary, humiliating, confusing, or left an emotional bruise in some way. EMDR uses something called “bilateral stimulation” (alternating eye movement, tapping, or sounds) to activate the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) center in the brain. Think about how our eyes move back and forth during REM sleep. REM is the phase of sleep that allows us to process and consolidate what we’ve experienced that day. It’s almost like our brain is a computer and REM is a de-fragmentation process that occurs while we sleep. This is similar to what the bilateral stimulation (typically eye-movement) does during EMDR. Basically, the bilateral stimulation activates the AIP- the area of the brain where rational thinking and trauma processing occurs- which allows us to reprocess the trauma in real-time but in a way that allows us to make sense of the traumatic experience. Similar to the self-healing that takes place when we cut our finger, the AIP is sort of a self-healing mechanism in our psyche.

During trauma and adverse life events the AIP often shuts down and the fear center of the brain kicks in initiating our “fight or flight” system. When this happens the trauma isn’t processed appropriately because the AIP, the rational part of the brain, is no longer in control. Instead the fear center of the brain takes over causing the traumatic event to be stored dysfunctionally in our brain in it’s “affective state”. What this means is, all the thoughts, feelings, sights, sounds, and even smells that were present at the time of the trauma are locked away in our nervous system. This explains why people with PTSD sometimes experience olfactory hallucinations (smelling something that isn’t actually there) years after the traumatic event that involved that very same smell took place.

So what does a typical EMDR session look like? First, the therapist gathers information about the traumatic event in a way that is not triggering to the client. In fact, one of the major perks of the EMDR model is the therapist doesn’t even need to know specific details of the trauma. This is unlike other models that treat trauma such as Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT) which involve the client sharing a detailed narrative of the trauma. Talking about specific details of a trauma can sometimes cause a client to become triggered and emotionally dysregulated, which can actually be harmful to the client. Once the therapist and client have identified the memory to be reprocessed the therapist helps the client determine the negative cognition(belief) that is connected to the trauma. Essentially, a negative cognition is a negative self-statement the client has adopted in response to the trauma. Some common examples include “It's my fault”, “I’m powerless”, or “I’m inadequate”. Once the memory and negative cognition have been identified the therapist asks the client to hold the memory and negative cognition together in their mind while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation (eyes, tones, tapping). This activates the AIP and allows the client to reprocess the memory in real-time with the rational, adaptive part of the brain online and active. Throughout the course of processing the client is asked to share what they’re noticing during each pass of bilateral stimulation. Over time, the negative aspects of the trauma are desensitized and the client begins having new, more adaptive, healing insights and perspectives about the trauma. This leads to a positive shift in the negative cognition, reduction in emotional distress, and improvement in symptoms.

EMDR can be a powerful tool in your journey toward healing. Schedule a complimentary consultation to see if EMDR is the right treatment model for you.

~Kara

How to Self-validate

Self-validation is a process that involves validating your emotional experience rather than ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing it. A lot of our emotional distress comes from our attempts to resist feeling negative feelings. When we resist or discount our feelings we essentially abandon ourselves and it comes at a cost. Self-validation improves our self-esteem, self-worth, and overall sense of self-concept. The best formula for self-validation I’ve come across thus far is the following:

I feel _______ and it makes sense because ________.

The second half of the statement is crucial because it involves connecting our emotional experience to our values system. Connecting our feelings to our value system helps us internalize and “connect’ with the self-validation statement. Basically, it makes us actually believe the statement because our values system is an important part of what makes us who we are as a person. So a full self-validation statement might look something like this:

I feel sad I hurt my partner’s feelings and it makes sense because I care about how my partner feels in our relationship.

In the above example you can see I’ve identified the feeling I’m experiencing i.e., “sad”, as well as why it makes sense I would be feeling that feeling i.e., “because I care about how my partner feels in our relationship”. Mutual respect and compassion are both aspects of a relationship I value.

Try this technique and see if it helps you connect with your emotional experience in a way that truly feels validating.

~Kara

What are boundaries and why do we need them?

We hear people talking about boundaries all the time. Most people have heard the term “boundary” and have a general understanding of what the concept means, but I want to go a bit further and discuss some of the more nuanced aspects of boundary-setting. First we will consider the million dollar question… “What is a boundary?” While dozens of definitions exist, the one I gravitate toward most is as follows:

A boundary is a physical or emotional limit we set with ourselves and others. A line that delineates what we stand for, believe in, tolerate, and expect in relationships, whether it be a romantic, platonic, or professional relationship.

Boundaries are a fundamental and crucial aspect of relationships. Without boundaries we put ourselves at risk of jeopardizing our physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual well-being. Without healthy boundaries we may find ourselves being taken advantage of by others, growing resentment toward loved ones, feeling burned out at work or school, in relationships etc. There’s often a misconception that setting a boundary is punitive or selfish. This could not be further from the truth. In relationships, boundaries are actually protective. They prevent potential resentment that comes from over-extending ourselves or taking on more than we can manage mentally or physically.

Imagine this: A friend asks you to take them to the airport during rush hour traffic. The airport is far and you know you’ll be committing to a couple of hours in the car which you weren’t anticipating and haven’t carved out time for in your schedule. You want to help but know you have your weekly pilates class at that same time your friend needs the ride. Your pilates class is one of the few things you are able to do for yourself during the week because your schedule is full and the opportunity for self-care is limited. It’s a way for you to reconnect with yourself and release stress. You really don’t want to miss it. You’re in a predicament. You have a couple options… You can say “Forget the pilates class. My friend needs me”, cancel the pilates class and take them to the airport. This is completely acceptable if you genuinely are okay cancelling your pilates class to accommodate your friend’s need. However if you aren’t ok cancelling your class and much needed self-care, another option is to set a healthy boundary by letting your friend know that as much as you’d like to help it doesn’t work with your schedule that particular day. The route you take here is entirely up to you and should be based on an evaluation of whether or not saying “yes” to the request involves you bending, or bending over backwards for your friend.

When someone asks something of us there’s bending and there’s bending over backwards. The difference? Bending involves accommodating someone else’s wishes or request in a way that does not interfere with our physical or emotional well-being. On the other hand, bending over backwards involves setting aside our own needs to please someone else’s wishes to our own detriment, aka, abandoning of the self. The result? Resentment, frustration, anger, bitterness, or a combination of all of the above. But how does this happen? Why does a lack of boundaries lead us to feel resentment, for example?

Resentment occurs when we violate our boundaries and over-extend ourselves in a way that makes us feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or simply spread too thin. Taking it one step further- sometimes the person we’re trying to accommodate may not express gratitude or appreciation in a way that makes sense to us or feels meaningful. This lack of appreciation and recognition from the other person can be breeding grounds for resentment. Certainly this isn’t to say you can’t ever make a sacrifice for someone you care about. It’s okay to stretch ourselves a bit here and there for the people we love. The question it should boil down to is: “Will appeasing this person in this scenario come at a cost that I’m willing to deal with?” This means there’s a chance that in the end you may end up feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or taken advantage of, but are willing to deal with it.

A boundary is something we don’t necessarily put in place just between us and another person. Sometimes we benefit from setting a boundary with ourselves. For example, let’s say you’ve had a cookie and want another but decide to set a boundary with yourself and keep it at one cookie for the day. Or, perhaps you have a colleague who has a tendency to consistently trauma-dump on you at work. Setting an emotional boundary might involve letting this colleague know you are sorry to hear about their troubles but you’ve got deadlines you need to tend to that day. You might even offer up a specific day or timeframe that works in your schedule to set time aside to have a more in-depth chat with this person.

Let’s take the trauma-dumping coworker scenario one step further. Not only are there verbal, emotional boundaries you can put in place to protect your time and emotional energy, there are physical/geographical boundaries you can implement as well if necessary. If the trauma-dumping coworker continues to suck the life out of you despite your best boundary-setting efforts, perhaps you ask your manager if you can move desks to a different location in the office so you are better able to get your work done.

No matter the type, there’s no shame in setting a good ‘ol healthy boundary. Keep in mind, people who maintain and value healthy boundaries themselves are more likely to respect a healthy boundary than those who do not. You can tell if you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t recognize, value, or respect a healthy boundary if they attempt to push back on your boundary when it’s put in place. Imagine yourself drawing a line in the sand, standing behind it, and you see the person inch closer to you while stepping over the line. In this case, the boundary-setting may require a more direct approach that involves explicitly stating you are setting a boundary and may need to take distance from this person if they are unable to respect the boundary. They don’t need to understand the boundary but they should respect it.

All this to say, boundaries are our friend, not enemy. You’ll be amazed at how setting boundaries allows you to preserve more emotional energy in the reserves, improve your time management, make you feel less burned out, and protect your mental sanity overall.

Happy boundary-setting!

~Kara